Saturday, June 18, 2011

4 years ago today....

4 years ago today, Abigail Helen Mueller was born....and I think that justifies the telling of her birth story..

Lilli was about 4 months old when I found out I was pregnant with Abigail.  Wow...you can get pregnant again that fast?  I was so nervous to tell Jim that I sent it to him in an e-mail....which I still have.  :)  The beginning of my pregnancy with her was pretty much the same as Lilli's, a lot of vomiting, stomach aches, and dehydration.  I did manage to avoid a hospital stay, which is good because I was in my final year of my Master's program and I was completing my year internship at Rolling Meadows High School (Go Mustangs!).

At about the 17 week mark, I was home sick and received a call from my doctor's office that I will NEVER forget.  It was another doctor, not my usual, and she told me that my blood work showed I had an elevated chance of the baby having Down's Syndrome, and I had about a week to decide "what I wanted to do with the pregnancy."  Really?  You call women and tell them that over the phone?  After I panicked, I finally got my OBGYN on the phone (love her) and she explained that I was at a 1 in 90 chance that my baby had Down's.  She suggested that we go to a Genetic Counselor, have a Level Two ultrasound, and that we would be fine.  So, of course we did, but the results were not what we wanted.  Instead of lowering the risk, the risk went higher.  She appeared to have short leg bones and there appeared to be an issue with her heart. (we were able to find out at this appointment that the baby was a she!).  Jim and I hugged and talked a lot, and then did all the research we needed to be prepared.  We did not cry.  We did not sit around and feel sorry about it.  It was what it was, and we were going to love the baby either way.  We figured out daycare arrangements for special needs children, a playgroup in Schaumburg, and joined several online forums.  The one thing we didn't do was an amnio.  Since we were not going to terminate the pregnancy (shudder) it didn't matter to us.

The week before she was born she dropped to what I was sure was the edge of my cervix.  I couldn't even walk without thinking that she was going to pop out.  We had a c-section date scheduled for June 20th....anyone know the issue with that?  Yup, that's Lilli's birthday.  My babies would have been exactly a year apart.  I couldn't do that.  So, on June 18th, we went to the doctor to be evaluated to see if Abigail could be delivered earlier (we did have her name selected at this point).  And I was out of fluid!  Hurray!  Since I had mistakenly eaten a piece of leftover pizza, we were sent to the hospital to wait 6 hours before her birth.  And we were doing awesome!  We went home, packed, took a video on the way to the hospital like we did for Lilli, and settled into a room.  Low and behold, contractions slowly started as we waited for 6pm. 




Our nurses came in just before 6 and began explaining to me what was going to happen.  Since this was the second c-section, I thought I knew what they were saying.  Then I realized she was explaining to me what they were expecting to see with Abigail, and why there would be so many people in the room.  Abigail would have her own nursing team as well as the Head of Neo ready to care for her.  My heart started to drop, my stomach clinched.  She was no longer going to be safe.  Once she came out, she could be very vulnerable and in great danger.  I kissed Jim once more, and we walked down the hall.  I sat on the edge of the table (BTW, those table are REALLY small) and prepared myself for the spinal.  The nurse came up to me, rubbed my hand, and told me that whatever was about to happen was meant to happen. 

And then I lost it.  I mean, really, really lost it.  Like, stop everything for 10 minutes because I couldn't breathe lost it.  I wanted to go home.  I wanted to keep her in there until she was 20 years old. 

Spinal shot in, legs go numb, they lay me down and strapped me to the table.  The anesthesiologist joked about having de-ja-vue seeing me there.  Cutting starting, smelling the burning flesh.  The doctors are pretty quiet.  The nurses line the wall, ready to take Abigail. 

"Here she is, Megan!"  A cry, a good strong cry.  I cry.  I ask Jim to stay with her.  Take video of all that they will let you. 



It's a long video...about 1:40 is when he starts to go over the Downs symptoms...then it's about 10 minutes of the first time I was able to hold her in the NICU....

She is (almost) fine.  She did not have Downs from what they can tell.  A genetic test would get us the results in a few weeks.  She could breathe, but her heart was having trouble.  It's called Patent Ductus Arteriosus, and basically part of her heart chamber that should have closed didn't.  She was admitted to the NICU, which brought on near hysteria session number 2.  My husband tried to explain to the nurses and doctors that I needed to see her, but since I had just been torn open, I couldn't just walk into the NICU.  A nurse and a doctor wheeled her, in her little incubator, into my room around midnight and let me hold her.  For about 10 minutes only.  And that was all I needed.  I needed to see for myself that she was ok.  To breathe her in.  To kiss her tiny head.  To squeeze her. To tell her I loved her.



Then they took her back, I agreed to more meds, and I went to sleep.  She stayed in the NICU for about 48 hours, and I didn't put her down for about 48 days....




Happy Birthday, my dear sweet Abbi.....

Sunday, June 12, 2011

A for Effort...

Have we talked before about how I am not a baker?  I try to be, I want to be a baker, but I am more of a project manager when it comes to baking.  I have great ideas, I know how to rally the troops and get people excited about the project, but I am not the best when it comes to the actual project.

I don't have many memories from being little, but I do remember my Grandma Szwedo making beautiful Barbie cakes for birthdays.  You know, the ones with the big cake skirts and the half Barbie on top?  And this year the girls are into Barbies big time.  And, being a little nostalgic and missing my Grandma, I thought that I would attempt to make two barbie cakes.  One pink, one purple.  So, off to Michael's this morning to get half dolls and coloring for the cakes, then to my Mom's to get the pans.  I have now sent the girls off with Jim, put Austin to sleep, and have made a cake recipe that a friend raved about

Ann Boyd's Best Yellow Cake Ever

I have put some mix into a tube pan, and some into a half ball pan in the hopes of getting just the dress shape that I want.  However, I did something wrong with the tube pan (it has a removable base) and some of the cake mix has dripped onto the bottom of the oven.  That means a delightful burning smell is wafting through my kitchen.  Awesome. 15 more minutes to bake, and we will see what comes of it...I promise to post pictures!


And the results...(sigh) Pretty sure Grandma's cakes didn't look like this...