Wednesday, September 10, 2014

How to rememember

It's a dreary, rainy, stay-in-bed-under-the-covers kind of morning, and I was slow to move from my pillow.  Glancing at the clock and seeing it was already 7:10 was motivation enough to spring from my nest and dash into the hallway, turning on lights and wondering if I would have time to shower before I dropped the kids off at school.  Thankfully, Lilli had been awake for awhile and not only had herself dressed, but was in the process of dressing her siblings.  Into the kitchen I went to make a quick breakfast or waffles and pancakes, still hoping to get that shower in before 7:40.  Austin fed, his sisters were packing backpacks and sorting umbrellas when Lilli said to me.

"We get to wear red, white, and blue tomorrow!"  I smiled and remembered the joys of "Jeans and Hats" day from my Catholic school upbringing.  A day not in uniform was like a little blessing.

"That's great," I responded.  "We will have to find your 4th of July shirts tonight."

"Yeah, we get to wear them because two men jumped off a building in New York."

I froze and looked at her.  Abbi's head slowly peeked around Lilli's, her eyes as wide as saucers.  A moment of panic.  What do I say?

"Well, Lills, that's not exactly how it happened."  I continued to butter Abbi's pancakes, fresh from the microwave.  "Two men flew planes into those building in New York and it was scarey and a lot of people got hurt."

The looks on their faces clearly showed that they had no concept of what I was saying.  I frantically tried to think of a different way to say it.

Deep Breath.

"Some men made a very bad choice to fly planes into the buildings, and lot of people were killed.  They also flew a plane into the Pentagon which is a building in Washington, D.C., and there was a fourth plane where some very brave people were able to crash it into the ground so no one else would be hurt.  It's called 9/11.  It happened when Mommy had just gotten out of college and I remember it as one of the saddest days of my life."

The silence in the room was unbelievable.  With the exception of sleeping, I have never heard those two so quiet.  And still in their tracks.  I pressed on.

"We remember 9/11 each year so that we don't forget all the people who were so brave and worked so hard to help people who were hurt.  It's a very sad day for a lot of people."  I felt a hitch in my voice.

"But they caught him, right?  The bad guy?  They caught him in the ground?" Lilli asked, almost like she was looking for reassurance.

"Yes, they caught the man who everyone said planned what happened."

And that was that.  Abbi took her pancakes and sat down and Lilli asked for toast.

7:24AM

I knew that I would have enough time to shower if I hurried.  I let the hot water fill the bathroom with steam, and was thankful for the jolt it gave me as I stepped under the shower head.  I felt pain well up in my chest and a few tears slipped out. 

I thought about that day, driving to Naperville from DeKalb when Barry Keefe on The Mix first said that there was a plane that had crashed into the antenna of the Tower 1.  By the time I got to work, two planes had crashed into the buildings and it only got worse from there.  At the time, I was working at a Special Education School, so I couldn't just sit and watch TV, and was anxious to hear more news as I drove home from work.  It was a dream, a nightmare, as I am sure it was for many.  Something that it seen in other countries, but not our own.

The one memory that stands out the most happened the next day.  Again, on my daily commute, I began looking at the people in the cars around me.  Most were very solemn, as if driving in a funeral procession.  There were no heads bopping to music and no singing like no one was watching.  And then I pulled up next to this blue four door something or other with an elderly gentleman driving.  And he was sobbing.  Not just tears dripping from his face, but should-shaking sobbing.

I am not sure if what I said to my kids today was right or wrong, it just was.  My guess is they will have many questions about it later, perhaps tomorrow, perhaps in a few months.  Or maybe they won't.  Maybe tomorrow will be just another day that they don't wear plaid and they will compare who has the cutest jeans.  But I will remember tomorrow for them, until they are old enough to fully understand and remember on their own.